Excuses

I am full of them it seems.

There is a reason why I can't/won't continue on the weight loss journey, there is a reason why I have been a total bitch (isn't there always), why I don't want to have sex, or I claim to not enjoy it.

In the end though they are all just excuses, reasons for me to continue to be unhappy with the hand that I have been dealt. Now I know that I have been through a lot, but what reason does that give me to be stuck. I do therapy all day long with kids and talk about not getting stuck and yet I am stuck. Stuck in this rut, where it is easier to make excuses than it is for me to get off my ass and make some changes.

So changes versus excuses starting today.

Being Happy

I need to start doing more of this! I have so many wonderful things in my life and although this year has dealt me a crappy deck, it is time to realize that I am alive and well and have a beautiful family who loves me.

My girls are amazing and each day they amaze me more and more with the things they say and do. J has been super amazing with everything we have been going through. Well I should say everything I have been going through. I have been in a funk more than I haven't been lately and all parts of my life seem to get affected by that.

My weight loss journey seems to have stalled as of late, but I feel like I am finally able to totally recommit to this and begin to feel like the journey is starting again after a long pause. I know that I need to start finding a way to make myself a priority in my own life and if that means I have to schedule time to work out that is what it means. We have a DVR and we can take shows so that I can take 45 min in the evenings to take care of me.

I guess the thing I struggle most with is just starting and stop finding excuses to stop. I want to hit the 50lb mark and I am the only one who has control over doing that so it is now or never.

Big Gain

I had a huge gain today. All the progress I made I have gained back. So I am up 4.8 lbs as of today and feeling it. I need to get back on this in a big way.

Some changes I made, I bought healthier options at the food store today. Instead of giving the girls cooking for snack today, I made a bag of popcorn that we all shared. I didn't do great with lunch, but instead of my usual I opted for a happy meal at McD's. Hard when the rest of the family (3 yo twins remember) and DH aren't trying to eat healthy. O well though, I will make it work I will figure this out. I know that I can do this. I lost 46lbs I can lose this last 40lbs again I know I can.

46 lbs

I hit 46lbs today. I tried to stay for the meeting however I was overwhelmed with thoughts of my brother and so I decided to head out and just start my day.

I had a good day with the girls and with Jason until tonight. My anxiety got the best of me tonight and now I have a headache too large to even begin to explain. I was also completely off program today but I know tomorrow I will put myself back on track.

I am starting to use this as a way to journal my progress and my emotions. The emotions have been everywhere lately and I need to figure it out.

Wow

I just realized it has been 4 months since I hit 42lbs lost and I am only at 45lbs lost today. I have struggled with gaining and losing weight for the past few months. The stress of life as well the emotional roller coaster I have been on hasn't helped. Today has been a different kind of day. The girls have felt the need to get up at 5:30am ( I know crazy) and it has made DH and I super cranky which doesn't bode well for dealing with (2) 3 year olds. Don't get me wrong I love the girls but it is super hard to stay focused and calm when I am exhausted.

I have made a turn around with my weight loss though, I realize that I need to focus again and that when I do I feel so much better about myself and about life in general. I also am beginning of the process of finding a therapist, which is going to be hard since I am one and have a hard time finding someone I can trust. Alas, though, I know I need the help of a profession to deal with the demons. I am trying to find the right routine for me as far as work, life and working out go and hopefully I will be there soon.

Scared

Its been a while and things haven't really gotten much better. Life continues to go on like it was. Every day is a little bit easier and I am coming to terms with the lose of my brother. Although it isn't always easy I feel like each day I take a step in a better direction.

My marriage is rocky at best and I hope to not get cursed for putting this up on here. There have been things said by both of us that we can't take back that have been hurtful to say the least and it is hard to move past those things. We both love our daughters and I think we have lost a little bit of ourselves. In the process I think we have forgotten why we fell in love with each other to begin with. I am scared for us, scared that we are each slowly giving up. I only wish I knew a way for us to get back what we once had.

Pain

Do you ever feel sometimes that it is easier to just give up then it is to keep going? That is how I have been feeling lately. I am overwhelmed by life, work, the girls. I want to be able to have things slow down and for things to be a little easy for a change, but it seems as if there is always something happening that makes that impossible.

I have lost the motivation I once had to continue to lose weight, I feel like I am in a rut and just want to live. But I know that living the way I was before just makes it harder in the long run. I really detest my job lately, to the point that setting foot in my office causes me to have a panic attack. I think part of that is because I am so overwhelmed with it all. I am afraid to tell J any of this because I know he will be upset with me.

Every day is just so painful, I feel like my heart aches in a way I wish it wouldn't.