Pain

Do you ever feel sometimes that it is easier to just give up then it is to keep going? That is how I have been feeling lately. I am overwhelmed by life, work, the girls. I want to be able to have things slow down and for things to be a little easy for a change, but it seems as if there is always something happening that makes that impossible.

I have lost the motivation I once had to continue to lose weight, I feel like I am in a rut and just want to live. But I know that living the way I was before just makes it harder in the long run. I really detest my job lately, to the point that setting foot in my office causes me to have a panic attack. I think part of that is because I am so overwhelmed with it all. I am afraid to tell J any of this because I know he will be upset with me.

Every day is just so painful, I feel like my heart aches in a way I wish it wouldn't.

Rough Times

I have been having a rough time lately.

Today was particularly bad. I am not sure if it was just the fact that it is Father's Day and I really have been thinking about my brother. I went to WW this am for my weekly meeting and I cried the entire way there. I realize more and more that I can't just call him when I need to and he isn't right around the corner if I needed him. I was also thinking about his little girls and how they don't have their daddy today. They don't have the ability to wish him a Happy Father's Day. My bro's fiance brought the girls to see my dad this weekend, which was really good, I only wish I could have gone to see them as well.

I have lost 45lbs to date on WW but I have been at a stand still. I don't really want to focus on it anymore and I am just tired. I see myself in a different way, but I also know that it is a lot of work and recently I just haven't been up for it. I wish I could get out of this funk and I could just focus.

42 lbs!!

I say that and try to grasp how amazing that truly is, and then I realize I have 38lbs left to go. So I try to get away from the number and think in smaller terms. This month my focus is on losing 10 more lbs. Doable, maybe but probably not in a month. I have lost some focus this week, it always happens now I am finding around the 24th of the month (date of my brother's death). I find myself trying to comfort myself. Not to mention I have been having dreams almost nightly about my brother in some way. Some more detail than others but definitely have dreams none the less.

I am scared I think, now of time passing and approaching another birthday or event without my brother. My nieces dance recital is in 2 weeks and I know that is something he would have wanted to be at, my mom and dad are going up instead. I just don't know how we are going to make it through the next part of our lives without him in it. My faith in God is so shaken I can't even bring myself to believe or to pray anymore. I can't for the life of me figure out how God would take someone so young who had his whole journey ahead of him. Maybe I need to figure that out and figure out where I fit in, in order to make my journey more meaningful.

I need help, I need to figure out where I am and I need to figure out how to move forward, I really don't enjoy life too much. I enjoy my girls and my husband, but it isn't the same joy I once had and I need to figure out where that went and how to get it back.

Finding My Way

I need to find my way. I need to figure where I go from here and what it all means. I have spent 31 years being a little sister, and I know that I still am one but there is a part of me that knows that my older brother (my only brother) is gone and that I am not the one to take on the burdens of my parents when they get older. I am the one who will deal with their deaths when that happens.

I know that is no way to think and part of me knows that this kind of thinking is what has gotten me into this rut to begin with, so I am asking, no I am crying for help.

I need to find MY way, I need to figure out MY pay from here on out. I need to be a better mom for my little girls, a better wife for my husband. I have fallen in the last 3 months (yup it has been that long since his death) and I feel like I am stuck. I know it is normal, I am therapist, and I understand that but I will be damned if I let this continue to be the focus of my sadness and grief. I need to find a way to feel better, to know that I have so much. I need to figure out how to get away from the food and begin to take charge of my life. I want to take charge, I want have control of everything again.

Depression Sucks

That is all. I am crashing again and I don't like it and I need to figure out a way to get out of it.

Updates

I have doing well with WW. I am currently at 184.4 and go to Weigh In on Sunday. We will see, I had a few setbacks this week, but nothing like I have done in the past. My goals was to have lost 40lbs by May 1st and I don't think I am going to hit it. I am frustrated with myself for that, but I did this to myself and have no one to blame and I promise myself I won't get frustrated I will hit that mark in no time I just have to be patient.

I have been working out more, so much so that I am sore today! I have 2 baby showers and a bridal shower to attend in the next few months and I do have to say I am excited. I haven't seen most of the people since before I started this journey, so I know this will be a very exciting time for me. I have been in a rut trying to find something to wear that I will be comfortable in and that will look nice, I am struggling with that, but know in the end it will be fine.

I have been doing ok emotionally too, not to bad, not to good some days but for the most part feel like I am status quo so to speak.

5 Letter Word

Grief.


That is the word of the day and I feel consumed by it today. I think I have finally slowed down enough to realize what happened. My brother died, he is not a phone call away, he isn't there to see his little girls grow up. I can't call him for random reasons just to bs.

I am going to the cemetery for the first time this weekend and I am realizing all that it means. My heart hurts so much, I just want to cry and scream. I wish there was a button and I could make the pain go away, if there was a way for me to just find a hole and crawl into it.

I turned to food today, it has always been there for me in the past why did I think today would be different. Although today I feel that much more guilty for doing it. I can't turn back but I can move forward and hope to not make the same mistake tomorrow.